I Feel Bad
Not just today, every day.... or at least it seems like every day. Every time I wake up, every time I go to sleep I think about things, things that I don't even care about, that I tell myself I don't care about. The drinking helps, or at least when I'm with friends it does. All it does is make me act outrageous and while I'm still intoxicated, I can feel some happiness. After that wears off I just think about the things I did the night before and feel even worse. I figured with time I'd be feeling better, but it's like every day I feel worse than the last. It's not even about her anymore, it's become entirely about my own feelings about everything. Someone once said that no matter who or what you are, everything on this planet dies alone. Which is to say that when you die, no one is dying with you, you have to do it yourself. Scary. The comfort I experience from being around friends only gets swept away at the moment they leave. And at every days end I wonder how much longer I'll know that person, or if I've hurt them that day. I'm going to the doctor this week to see if he can fix me as these feelings of happiness mixed with days of extreme depression are starting to get the better of me. I don't know who I've become anymore, and I don't really like it. I wish I didn't care, I wish I could be a person that moves on and doesn't give a shit. I like to pretend I am. I don't know if I can be close to anyone anymore. It's like there's an underlying mentality that I don't want to know anyone new because everyone just leaves in the end.
There are people in this world that have a lot less than me, and I feel like I'm taking everything for granted. I just want to get back to being able to take control of my life, but then again maybe I never did know..... cause I can't remember a time that I didn't have days where I felt bad, they just seem more often now.
I feel like I'm losing for money, I feel like I'm losing for free.
Kyle
Not just today, every day.... or at least it seems like every day. Every time I wake up, every time I go to sleep I think about things, things that I don't even care about, that I tell myself I don't care about. The drinking helps, or at least when I'm with friends it does. All it does is make me act outrageous and while I'm still intoxicated, I can feel some happiness. After that wears off I just think about the things I did the night before and feel even worse. I figured with time I'd be feeling better, but it's like every day I feel worse than the last. It's not even about her anymore, it's become entirely about my own feelings about everything. Someone once said that no matter who or what you are, everything on this planet dies alone. Which is to say that when you die, no one is dying with you, you have to do it yourself. Scary. The comfort I experience from being around friends only gets swept away at the moment they leave. And at every days end I wonder how much longer I'll know that person, or if I've hurt them that day. I'm going to the doctor this week to see if he can fix me as these feelings of happiness mixed with days of extreme depression are starting to get the better of me. I don't know who I've become anymore, and I don't really like it. I wish I didn't care, I wish I could be a person that moves on and doesn't give a shit. I like to pretend I am. I don't know if I can be close to anyone anymore. It's like there's an underlying mentality that I don't want to know anyone new because everyone just leaves in the end.
There are people in this world that have a lot less than me, and I feel like I'm taking everything for granted. I just want to get back to being able to take control of my life, but then again maybe I never did know..... cause I can't remember a time that I didn't have days where I felt bad, they just seem more often now.
I feel like I'm losing for money, I feel like I'm losing for free.
Kyle
posted by YourProudSponsor at Sunday, May 13, 2007
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