Angry, completely fucking bitterly angry. How does this world function where good people get completely fucking shit on. I didn't do anything wrong, sure I had my flaws, but I never hurt anyone like this. Every day is building up more and more. It seems like every time I turn around something goes better for her, what the fuck is that. I've been stuck in limbo for months, stepped on, even fucking pushed in front of a car on my birthday. There hasn't been one moment where I saw some kind of remnants of why I even try anymore. It's fucking worthless, not worth anything. I can't stand waking up everyday and trying to be nice to people faking it and feeling completely empty inside. Everything was there, I had it all and now it's just a pile of shit. The pills don't work worth a fuck, and I think about killing myself on a daily basis. So here's my recipe for completely ruining a good individual

1. Give them something they've wanted all their lives.
2. Make them believe that nothing in the world could take it away.
3. Bring them so close to the things they love that it makes them not want to live without them.
4. Take it away from them, but promise you will give it back to them.
5. Completely disconnect from them.
6. Pretend like you still give a shit.
7. Stop pretending like you give a shit and shove it further in their face.
8. Fake to them that your a good person and your past doesn't exist.
9. Showboat to that person how you have the thing they love and they don't.
10. Fake changes and people in your life to make yourself feel better and them worse.

A Single Spark Explosion

I feel like I've lost most friends and not gained any. I feel alone, even when I'm not. The doctor gave me pills to feel better, but I don't think it's going to work. They say these things take time, but I just feel like every day is a battle with my emotions. Anyone reading my posts for personal satisfaction can stop now, cause I'm basically just using this as a personal journal, a little less private yes, but I feel it's better than talking to a piece of paper, neither talk back anyhow. I saw a park with flowers the other day where I'd like to take someone someday. It may not be there by that time. I stay locked in my room a lot, at least I'm exercising. The worst part of a day is waking up knowing that that night I'll just come back and sleep alone again. I wake up and roll over with my arm that only finds a pillow. Plagued with dreams and burned again. I just need some hint of something to keep me stable, something better than the tease I received on a Sunday morning offering me false hope. She's not coming back. Stop kidding yourself. I feel like I'm constantly trying to impress people, like I have something to prove. I have nothing to prove. I bring nothing to the table.
I read matthew good's personal reflection of his life as he learned that he was bi-polar. Reading through it I can completely relate. The pacing, the anxiety, the always focused energy that can't be released. I hope the pills work for me, I hope they don't do to me what they did to him. I hope I'm not bi-polar. I wish I thought I had a future, cause I can't see past tonight, and if I try I see myself old and in an apartment filled with animals. They mean nothing, cause I'm still alone. The only thing I ever wanted out of this life has been put on hold. The thing that scares me is how long?..... weeks..... years..... I hate to think a decade or even more. I'm scared as fuck. I don't know if I can even ever do it again. If I can, I certainly won't feel good about it. It would be unfair to anyone to let them think I loved them now. Life is great when you have all the things you'd trade for what you really want. It's too bad life doesn't work like that. No one on this planet could possibly understand me or put up with me long enough. I failed myself. I tried to be superman, I tried to be unbreakable and it didn't work. It doesn't work.

I used to think I'd get over everything, But everything just got over me.

Kyle

I Feel Bad

Not just today, every day.... or at least it seems like every day. Every time I wake up, every time I go to sleep I think about things, things that I don't even care about, that I tell myself I don't care about. The drinking helps, or at least when I'm with friends it does. All it does is make me act outrageous and while I'm still intoxicated, I can feel some happiness. After that wears off I just think about the things I did the night before and feel even worse. I figured with time I'd be feeling better, but it's like every day I feel worse than the last. It's not even about her anymore, it's become entirely about my own feelings about everything. Someone once said that no matter who or what you are, everything on this planet dies alone. Which is to say that when you die, no one is dying with you, you have to do it yourself. Scary. The comfort I experience from being around friends only gets swept away at the moment they leave. And at every days end I wonder how much longer I'll know that person, or if I've hurt them that day. I'm going to the doctor this week to see if he can fix me as these feelings of happiness mixed with days of extreme depression are starting to get the better of me. I don't know who I've become anymore, and I don't really like it. I wish I didn't care, I wish I could be a person that moves on and doesn't give a shit. I like to pretend I am. I don't know if I can be close to anyone anymore. It's like there's an underlying mentality that I don't want to know anyone new because everyone just leaves in the end.

There are people in this world that have a lot less than me, and I feel like I'm taking everything for granted. I just want to get back to being able to take control of my life, but then again maybe I never did know..... cause I can't remember a time that I didn't have days where I felt bad, they just seem more often now.

I feel like I'm losing for money, I feel like I'm losing for free.

Kyle

I Need Help

I can't keep going through this stuff everyday. All I keep thinking about is her. I love her so much and I know she loves me still. The time apart from her is killing me. I worry about her all the time and I don't know what to do. These pills don't take anything away. I thought after this much time I'd feel better about things but I don't. I feel bad when I talk to her, I feel like I'm pushing her even further away. We were so happy, things were so great, I love her, I will never be able to stop loving her, she's my everything. I have to get her back somehow, feelings this strong have to mean something. I need to figure out how to get her back without hurting her or myself anymore. I have to write this here because I feel like I can't talk to anybody, and I feel alone.

I can't go through this without trying to get it back. I feel like I've lost my everything.

Kyle

Come crashing in... into my little world :D..

So... haven't posted in awhile, and no one will know I've posted in sometime. Nothings really changed in my life, things are the same as always. I bought a new computer which I hope will inspire some change, but probably not. Love and life are still pretty much the same, however school is driving me nuts, I'm failing a subject, possibly 2, and I have no job lined up for the summer. I was lining something up with my previous employer, but have not heard anything.... not good. So if anyone can employ me, much appreciated. In other news, I've been feeling really weird lately, happy half the day, off the rest.... but i think this is just do to the stress of school.

The next post will be better I promise, i'm just in a weird state of mind......

Klye

I really want to see Borat and Pick of Destiny. Everyone should listen to the new Tenacious D album, cause it's fuckin awesome. "CAUSE IF YOU THINK IT'S TIME TO FUCKIN ROCK!". Anyways, I feel obligated to post tonight as the honourable Jayden racist Harloff was complaining about me not posting and seeing as I have time now cause I'm not doing any more work till midterms and am currently getting wasted. The more reasons the better I feel about posting this bullshit. By the way harloff, I couldn't think of anything funny, I had something funny in my head the night you asked me, and then I forgot it, so here's a rant......

On Micheal Richards, I like him more now. I though the outburst was hilarious. I mean he got pissed off and shouted some shit, so what, black people call each other N words all the time. For some reason it's ok to discrace fellow african americans, but you cannot be discraced by a person of a different race. Now these bastards are looking for money?. Hell next time some some black guy calls a white guy a cracker or something he should sue him for his 40 of OE. I'm not racist, depending on who you ask, but it's just the truth, people with fuckin sue for anything now. What's even better is there's like 1000 black people on youtube doing web interviews about how they think this guy is a racist, seriously, have they nothing fuckin better to do than sit and interview themselves on why they think he's a racist, what a waste of your fucking time. At least it's comforting to know 100 years from now a black man will get a block of rice crispy treats as reparations for something that they personally never had to suffer.

Next is my list of things that have pissed me off in the past little while:

-Having to stay up for 35 hours doing school work (I didn't even have time to jerk off)
-The girl that sits next to me in class and nods at everything the teacher says, HE'S NOT FUCKING SPEAKING TO YOU YOU IGNORANT CUNT SO STOP NODDING
-This guy on the bus the other day walked all the way from the back of the bus while it was moving, to the front of the fully packed bus and then back to the back of the bus to sit down. Meanwhile he could have just waited for everyone to get off at the university and asked. Ignorant prick.
-Kirk's not buying a Wii, which is lame.
-Not having time to jerk off

On a final note, I recently discovered my credit card was issued 06/06 and expires 06/09, which in turn puts together 666 as well as 69. I have the devils swinger card. Touche Ron Jeremy, touche.
THE END

Kyle

Scubes... a Pictorial.


























Save the best for last I always say




Gnight.