A Single Spark Explosion
I feel like I've lost most friends and not gained any. I feel alone, even when I'm not. The doctor gave me pills to feel better, but I don't think it's going to work. They say these things take time, but I just feel like every day is a battle with my emotions. Anyone reading my posts for personal satisfaction can stop now, cause I'm basically just using this as a personal journal, a little less private yes, but I feel it's better than talking to a piece of paper, neither talk back anyhow. I saw a park with flowers the other day where I'd like to take someone someday. It may not be there by that time. I stay locked in my room a lot, at least I'm exercising. The worst part of a day is waking up knowing that that night I'll just come back and sleep alone again. I wake up and roll over with my arm that only finds a pillow. Plagued with dreams and burned again. I just need some hint of something to keep me stable, something better than the tease I received on a Sunday morning offering me false hope. She's not coming back. Stop kidding yourself. I feel like I'm constantly trying to impress people, like I have something to prove. I have nothing to prove. I bring nothing to the table.
I read matthew good's personal reflection of his life as he learned that he was bi-polar. Reading through it I can completely relate. The pacing, the anxiety, the always focused energy that can't be released. I hope the pills work for me, I hope they don't do to me what they did to him. I hope I'm not bi-polar. I wish I thought I had a future, cause I can't see past tonight, and if I try I see myself old and in an apartment filled with animals. They mean nothing, cause I'm still alone. The only thing I ever wanted out of this life has been put on hold. The thing that scares me is how long?..... weeks..... years..... I hate to think a decade or even more. I'm scared as fuck. I don't know if I can even ever do it again. If I can, I certainly won't feel good about it. It would be unfair to anyone to let them think I loved them now. Life is great when you have all the things you'd trade for what you really want. It's too bad life doesn't work like that. No one on this planet could possibly understand me or put up with me long enough. I failed myself. I tried to be superman, I tried to be unbreakable and it didn't work. It doesn't work.
I used to think I'd get over everything, But everything just got over me.
Kyle
I feel like I've lost most friends and not gained any. I feel alone, even when I'm not. The doctor gave me pills to feel better, but I don't think it's going to work. They say these things take time, but I just feel like every day is a battle with my emotions. Anyone reading my posts for personal satisfaction can stop now, cause I'm basically just using this as a personal journal, a little less private yes, but I feel it's better than talking to a piece of paper, neither talk back anyhow. I saw a park with flowers the other day where I'd like to take someone someday. It may not be there by that time. I stay locked in my room a lot, at least I'm exercising. The worst part of a day is waking up knowing that that night I'll just come back and sleep alone again. I wake up and roll over with my arm that only finds a pillow. Plagued with dreams and burned again. I just need some hint of something to keep me stable, something better than the tease I received on a Sunday morning offering me false hope. She's not coming back. Stop kidding yourself. I feel like I'm constantly trying to impress people, like I have something to prove. I have nothing to prove. I bring nothing to the table.
I read matthew good's personal reflection of his life as he learned that he was bi-polar. Reading through it I can completely relate. The pacing, the anxiety, the always focused energy that can't be released. I hope the pills work for me, I hope they don't do to me what they did to him. I hope I'm not bi-polar. I wish I thought I had a future, cause I can't see past tonight, and if I try I see myself old and in an apartment filled with animals. They mean nothing, cause I'm still alone. The only thing I ever wanted out of this life has been put on hold. The thing that scares me is how long?..... weeks..... years..... I hate to think a decade or even more. I'm scared as fuck. I don't know if I can even ever do it again. If I can, I certainly won't feel good about it. It would be unfair to anyone to let them think I loved them now. Life is great when you have all the things you'd trade for what you really want. It's too bad life doesn't work like that. No one on this planet could possibly understand me or put up with me long enough. I failed myself. I tried to be superman, I tried to be unbreakable and it didn't work. It doesn't work.
I used to think I'd get over everything, But everything just got over me.
Kyle
posted by YourProudSponsor at Tuesday, May 22, 2007
1 Comments:
I hope things have changed for you. I feel the same way about impressing people. Don't be too hard on yourself, everyone's fucked up.
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