A Single Spark Explosion

I feel like I've lost most friends and not gained any. I feel alone, even when I'm not. The doctor gave me pills to feel better, but I don't think it's going to work. They say these things take time, but I just feel like every day is a battle with my emotions. Anyone reading my posts for personal satisfaction can stop now, cause I'm basically just using this as a personal journal, a little less private yes, but I feel it's better than talking to a piece of paper, neither talk back anyhow. I saw a park with flowers the other day where I'd like to take someone someday. It may not be there by that time. I stay locked in my room a lot, at least I'm exercising. The worst part of a day is waking up knowing that that night I'll just come back and sleep alone again. I wake up and roll over with my arm that only finds a pillow. Plagued with dreams and burned again. I just need some hint of something to keep me stable, something better than the tease I received on a Sunday morning offering me false hope. She's not coming back. Stop kidding yourself. I feel like I'm constantly trying to impress people, like I have something to prove. I have nothing to prove. I bring nothing to the table.
I read matthew good's personal reflection of his life as he learned that he was bi-polar. Reading through it I can completely relate. The pacing, the anxiety, the always focused energy that can't be released. I hope the pills work for me, I hope they don't do to me what they did to him. I hope I'm not bi-polar. I wish I thought I had a future, cause I can't see past tonight, and if I try I see myself old and in an apartment filled with animals. They mean nothing, cause I'm still alone. The only thing I ever wanted out of this life has been put on hold. The thing that scares me is how long?..... weeks..... years..... I hate to think a decade or even more. I'm scared as fuck. I don't know if I can even ever do it again. If I can, I certainly won't feel good about it. It would be unfair to anyone to let them think I loved them now. Life is great when you have all the things you'd trade for what you really want. It's too bad life doesn't work like that. No one on this planet could possibly understand me or put up with me long enough. I failed myself. I tried to be superman, I tried to be unbreakable and it didn't work. It doesn't work.

I used to think I'd get over everything, But everything just got over me.

Kyle

I Feel Bad

Not just today, every day.... or at least it seems like every day. Every time I wake up, every time I go to sleep I think about things, things that I don't even care about, that I tell myself I don't care about. The drinking helps, or at least when I'm with friends it does. All it does is make me act outrageous and while I'm still intoxicated, I can feel some happiness. After that wears off I just think about the things I did the night before and feel even worse. I figured with time I'd be feeling better, but it's like every day I feel worse than the last. It's not even about her anymore, it's become entirely about my own feelings about everything. Someone once said that no matter who or what you are, everything on this planet dies alone. Which is to say that when you die, no one is dying with you, you have to do it yourself. Scary. The comfort I experience from being around friends only gets swept away at the moment they leave. And at every days end I wonder how much longer I'll know that person, or if I've hurt them that day. I'm going to the doctor this week to see if he can fix me as these feelings of happiness mixed with days of extreme depression are starting to get the better of me. I don't know who I've become anymore, and I don't really like it. I wish I didn't care, I wish I could be a person that moves on and doesn't give a shit. I like to pretend I am. I don't know if I can be close to anyone anymore. It's like there's an underlying mentality that I don't want to know anyone new because everyone just leaves in the end.

There are people in this world that have a lot less than me, and I feel like I'm taking everything for granted. I just want to get back to being able to take control of my life, but then again maybe I never did know..... cause I can't remember a time that I didn't have days where I felt bad, they just seem more often now.

I feel like I'm losing for money, I feel like I'm losing for free.

Kyle